I am inspired by a mannequin i walk past most days.

At college i have to walk past the design block, and there's a mannequin wearing a dress that has inspired me.
I think that if the dress was a bit shorter and had a 'cut-away' back it would be perfect. For me anyway. And then i got thinking about other way's i would change the dress if i was designing it (if that makes sense) and i came up with about 4 different idea's for a dress.
Now if only i could sew......

So the royal wedding is over....

I saw a bit of it last night and i have to say that i actually loved Kate's dress. It was sophisticated yet not too old for her.
She looked beautiful yesterday. And she also looked very happy.

I am not over excited about the royal wedding.

I know that everyone loves (or seem's to anyway) Kate Middleton, but, to be honest, i don't really have an opinion on her.
I think that her style is ok, but sometimes i do think some of her outfit's are a bit old for her, and she seem's ok as a person.
But i don't think enough of her or Prince William to care about their wedding. I am not a royalist anyway so the whole wedding just seem's overhyped and i don't even care about seeing her dress, as i'm not a huge fan of her style.
The whole royal wedding, to me anyway, just seem's to be pointless, between two people who i don't care about.

I have a crazy idea that i'm too scared to share.

I thought about it a few year's ago, and i put it on the 'someday' pile and forgot about it.
But tonight, i thought 'why not?'.
Ok, David will probably hate the idea, and i'm not even sure if we can do it or not. But i think we could make it work, even just to try it out.
Sorry to be cryptic, but i am worried about sharing, just because my idea is so crazy. But maybe not that crazy. I dunno. And when i talk to David i will know how crazy i really am.

Why i won't be cheating on my boyfriend.

People think that just because i talk to a lad at college a lot (at college) then we must be fancy each other.
Well i don't fancy him. I mean, he's ok to talk to but that's all. I keep mentioning my boyfriend to him just in conversation. That's all i am doing with this guy, making conversation.
I have said it many times but i do have an amazing boyfriend. Im very happy with him and i don't need any other guy's attention when i have his.
I would never betray his trust or risk what we have. I know he's a little insecure, (he won't admit it). I also know he'll read this and i just wanna tell him that no guy will ever compare to him. He is the only man i want and i won't ever betray or hurt him.

My 6th day at college.

I got my cv done. I worried for nothing lol.
I also got most of the printouts i needed.
I did have to download an application form for the last bit of the module. I looked for about an hour and then the tutor found one for me. A 12 page one. In the other end of the country. Thank god i don't have to apply for the job.
My 'friend' who may not be my friend anymore (long story) is starting college either next week or the week after. That's gonna be fun.
My file has gone to be assessed and i will find out on Tuesday if it's ok.

Can a long distant relationship really work?.

I was having a conversation earlier with a guy who was engaged to a girl in America. It didn't end well, and i wondered could it ever end well?.
Could you have a successful relationship with someone on the other side of the world? I dunno if you can.
Where's the intimacy?. What do you do when you wanna talk to your partner and there not even in the same time zone as you?.
Maybe people do make it work, and that's great, but i couldn't do it.

My 5th day at college.

Where do i begin?. Well, this morning was basically standing outside the building as the fire alarm went off.
Lunchtime was fun. A guy was telling us about his daughter's boyfriend (he sound's like such a catch...not) and then we got sex education the american way from another lad in my group. He then went on to tell us everything about his sex life (not as fun).
This afternoon we had the most mind-numbing talk about the very exciting subject of how to apply for a job. And then we updated our cv's just to get everything done and then when you're about to press print, you get kicked out and end up losing the cv you've just done.
That was my day at college. I am getting assessed tomorrow. That is gonna be fun. I don't have half the printout's i need and i don't have a cv to attach to my workbook and i completed half of the worksheet's wrong.
College is starting to lose it's charm a little.

Today i decided on my career plan.

I wanna be a receptionist. I can do some voluntary work until i get a job and then be a receptionist. I could also be an administrator. That will work into my plan.
After a while i wanna be a secretary. I will have the skill's as well as the experience.
Then i wanna be an office manager. That is my ultimate job goal. I only realized that today.

My fourth day at college.

Only the two room changes today.
The great egg drop. No, our egg didn't survive it's trip but we had no other disaster's, like bursting balloon's and breaking (additional) eggs.
We have to print out job description's. The problem? we still don't have printer credit's.
I know everyone's name's and talked to everyone, so that mission has been completed.
That's basically been my day at college.

A letter to myself now.

You made it. It's been hard but here you are. Almost 30 and the happiest you've ever been.
You are in a good place. You have someone who you love and who loves you. You have challenges but you get through them. You can't wait to live with him and start your life together. He was worth the wait.
And now you know what you want to do with your life, do it. Don't let anyone push you into doing anything you don't wanna do.
Keep being individual and crazy. Keep being you.
Whenever you get a 'dark' moment, remember how far you've come and what you have gained from it all.
And be proud of all you've acheived. You have proved people wrong and you should be proud.

What i wanna say to my 14 year old self if i could.

You may not be the most popular girl in school, but that's ok.
Why would you want to be friend's with people who only care about getting laid and how skinny they are?.
The 'queen bee' is gonna end up with 3 kid's by 3 different father's by the time she's 25 anyway. And living on some rundown council estate.
You are gonna get your heart broken, but you are gonna meet a man who changes the way you feel about everything.
You may think you're weird but you'll learn to embrace your individuality. Why would you want to be like everyone else anyway? You're special.
Thing's may go wrong but never give up. You have so much to give and never let anyone tell you different.

I have just realized something.....

I do tend to get on better with guys than girl's.
I have a load of male mates and about half a dozen female friend's.
I think it may have something to do with growing up, i was friend's with the popular girls in high school and then, one day, they started bullying me. I don't know why.
Any way, my female friend's are not bitchy and two faced. I don't know why but i just feel very plain next to the 'popular, beautiful' girl's.
I dunno why i feel insecure around the 'perfect' girl's, but i think it may have something to do with the fact that since i was 14, a part of me has always felt like a freak. And even all those year's later, i can't help but feel like that sometimes.

I hate being a 'part time' girlfriend.

I love being with my boyfriend. I love spending time with him. I dont love having to get on the bus home.
I wanna do all the thing's that 'normal' couples do. I wanna watch tv together and argue about who's turn it is to do the dishes. I wanna talk to him until i fall asleep.
At the moment we don't do that. I hate the fact that it's day's apart that we see each other.
I even lied to a girl on my course. What am i meant to say? The truth sound's bad and it was only a little white lie.
I wanna be a full time girlfriend. It kill's me to be apart from him for day's at a time and it get's me down.
I am a woman on a mission and i am determent to get what i want.

My plan for next week at college.

Talk to the people that i don't really talk to in the group.
If doing another roleplay, don't let a guy decide.
Check to make sure that i have done the work right.
Go and get my student number changed (if the office is open).
Try to get in and out of campus without getting lost.
Learn everyone's name's.

I think that's all i have to do next week, college wise.

My third day at college.

Only two room changes today.
We had to do roleplay. Trust me to get a 'role' i didn't want. A wife whose husband lost his wallet. There wasn't a lot left to pick from by the time it came to us.
I died when it came to the 'who survives' roleplay.
We did a listening exercise and had a tour of the library. Thats it until Monday.

My second day at college.

Another 3 room changes today. Six rooms in 10 hours, that has to be some kind of record.
Got my student I.D with the worst picture ever. Not good.
Got the first module completed and started the second. That's good.
The rooms at the college are really cold for some reason.
We know the building well as we have been on floor's 2,3,4,5 and 6 (see the changing rooms bit).
At least i have communicated more with my group today, so that's good. Half the course is about teamwork.

My first day at college.

Apart from the fact we had to change room's 3 times within an hour and i got lost walking to the canteen and back to the room at lunch time, the course got off to an ok start.
We started the first module. Employability skills and, so far, i understand everything. It may take me a couple of day's to get used to how big the campus is, but so far it's good.

I have met my 'dream man'.

The man who can make me laugh, even when he doesn't mean to. The man who will listen to me as i complain. The man who look's after me, and worries about me. The man who put's up with me when i'm moody. The man who support's and encourages me. The man who is my best friend as well as my boyfriend. The man who teases me and let's me tease him back. The man who want' the same thing's as me in life.
I'm with my dream man, and i won't ever want, or need, anyone else to make me happy.

My biggest dating regret.

I went out with this lad. One day i got a text from his phone saying "enjoyed last night. dont want it to be a one off ". I was confused so i asked him about it and he said his mate borrowed his phone and must have sent it to me by accident.
I could believe that. I did. Then a few night's later his mate was having a leaving party. I wasn't invited. I didn't know her so i didn't mind. The next day at work (i worked with him) everyone was stopping talking when i walked into a room. I thought it was strange, but i didn't say anything. The next day i spent the whole day with the lad i was seeing. I get home and my friend text's me saying that she was sorry that i had been dumped. I was confused until he sent me a text saying that he was sleeping with his ex and was getting back with her.
I found out the next day that he and his ex had never broken up and he was still with her. I also found out that he had a reputation for sleeping with girl's he worked with.
Glad i never slept with him. I'm glad thing's didn't work out. My only regret is that i didn't dump the loser first.

i start college in less than 24 hours.

At least it's only for 15 hours a week for 5 weeks. I don't think i could have handled more than that.
I am doing a short Admin course so at least i am going to be doing something i wanna do. And hopefully, this time thing's will go okay and i wont have to drop out.
I may be ok as a part time student. I'm quite looking forward to starting the course. 5 weeks is worth it if i get to do the job i wanna do.

My second (and final) year of college.

I went back the next year. I found a course that was 'vocational' and i could do retail and admin (what i wanted to do). I was doing well, making friend's and then suddenly i get told i am being put on the GCSE course (i'm doing 'too well' on the vocational course).
This was mid term and everyone had made friend's. I was so lonley. And unhappy. I had no friend's on the course and never seeing the friend's i made.
I lasted until christmas and left. Looking back, i wish i fought for what i wanted more.

The reason i left college (twice).

I had a social phobia when i was at high school. It made me painfully shy and i didn't like people looking at me.
First year at college. I was there about a couple of month's when a tutor 'advised' me that i wasn't 'ready' for college, and that i should leave. I did and decided a year later that i would go back and try again. The second time was even more disasterous than the first time....

Would you forgive a cheater?.

I have been cheated on in the past, so i know that it sucks.
I know some relationships can survive one person cheating, but i think once the trust has gone, that's it gone for good.
If my current boyfriend ever cheated on me, i would be devastated. It would break my heart.
And i hope he know's i wouldn't cheat on him. Ever.
I guess it depend's on the couple if you can survive if one person cheat's. I just think if you truly love someone then cheating wouldn't even be on your mind.

Why i love the film 'Cube'.

Apart from the start, i don't think it's gory. (cube zero is a bit more gory). It's more a psychological thriller than a horror. I love it because it was unique at the time.
It's basically 1 set. It only has 7 character's. It doesn't give you answer's at the end (but that's the point of the movie) and the gore is replaced by character interaction's. And the character's personality's also change throughout the movie.
Cube may not be a movie everyone loves, but it's one of my favourites.

I'm feeling more positive today.

After a couple of days of feeling a bit down (my last post, for example) i feel more positive and upbeat today :) so that's good.
I just have to find a way to turn the negative energy into positive energy and i should be fine.

I wish i wasn't so....clumsy sometimes.

Everytime i leave the house looking nice, i end up looking like a windswept panda. I can't eat anything without dropping half of it all over me. I try to be 'hot and sexy' and i don't succeed.
Sometimes i wish i was like the girl's who are beautiful and funny and have no trouble thinking of thing's to say to people. Instead i am me.
That's not a problem 99% of the time, but sometime's i would like to be the 'perfect' girl.

What song best describes who you are?.

I think it would have to be Meredith Brooks 'washed my hand's'. I was listening to the song recently and i just realised, after hearing the song dozen's of times, that i actually 'get' the lyrics.
It's about a woman saying that no matter how many mistakes she made in the past, she's changed and she's not going to appologise for them anymore, as she has changed and moved on.
In the past, i've made mistakes, but i've changed. I think that song identifies exactly how i feel.

How fab is your mum?.

My mum is fab. She is an inspiration to me. She put her life on hold to care for my housebound Grandma. She battled with post-natal depression. She's had more money problem's than i can remember. She's suffered her share of trauma, but she survived everything.
She had her family (except for her mum and 1 auntie) turn against her for being a single parent. She survived a really bad relationship.
She has taught me that even when things look really bad, you can't give up on life. It's too precious.

Can you help who you fall in love with?.

I don't think we can. I think love is something that can't, and shouldn't, be controlled.
Attraction and lust are completely different. I'm talking about when you meet someone and you just feel a connection with that person. That's my definition of love.
And i don't mean cheating either. There's no excuse for being unfaithful.
Life is too short to throw away love. It's too precious. When it comes along, you should hold on to it. Love is a special thing that not everyone get's to experience.

What's worse: Job hunting or house hunting?.

House hunting: You find somewhere you love. The area is great. The house is your dream house. Everything is just perfect. Except one thing. The price. You just can't afford to rent it.

Job hunting: You find the perfect job. It's something that you've always wanted to do. It's near where you live and you can see yourself doing the job. The problem?. You don't have the experience they are requiring you to have. You apply, but you don't hear anything.

I really don't know which is worse. And i'm doing both.

would you ever have cosmetic surgery?.

I don't think i ever would, unless it was for medical reason's. I am a bit insecure about my boob's and, sometimes i think that if i had the money i would consider a boob job, but then i think about the risk's and the fact the implant's can burst, and i think 'never'.
Plus i don't think i would like my boob's to feel 'not real' lol.
It's so easy to change thing's you're not happy with, but what if you can't stop?. I think i'll stick to my imperfection's. It's safer.